Partners Of Sex Addicts
Does Your Significant Other Struggle To Control Their Sexual Impulses Or Behaviors? Signs of Sex Addiction in Your Partner
There is no one-size-fits-all description of sex addiction. It can manifest in many different ways among different people. Sex addiction does not have to do with how high a person’s sexual drive is, how much sex they have or want, or how much porn they watch, Damioli says. “It has to do with the way someone relates to these things, why they engage in them, and how it then impacts their lives.”
While someone might not even be having that much sex, it might consume their lives, their thoughts, and their relationships. They may use these behaviors to numb and to escape instead of to heighten and enjoy.
Another sign is obsessive thoughts about sexual activity—i.e., racing thoughts that are related to sex and not being able to control them. Spending a significant amount of time on sexual pleasure despite harmful consequence is another sign.
People with sex addiction may spend time a lot of time masturbating, watching porn, or sending nudes to others, for example. Feeling shame, depression, or guilt after a sexual encounter can be another sign of an addiction. The process is very similar to other addictions in that, after a person uses, they feel guilty for doing so.
Sex Addiction Is A Rapidly Growing Health Concern, How Can You Ease Emotional Overwhelm?
The goal or purpose of every addiction is to ease emotional overwhelm. So sex addiction is not an issue of being sinful or bad, it’s a desperate response to feeling empty, unloved, or broken. Sometimes, those insecurities are born out of sexual, emotional, or physical trauma as a child. As an adult, sex easily becomes a vehicle for validation and affirming that lack of self-worth.
That’s just one reason that sex addiction in all of its forms—chronic infidelity, online porn use, fantasy and obsession—is the fastest growing addiction of this century. In fact, in one survey, 7 percent of women and 10.3 percent of men expressed distress due to a pronounced difficulty controlling sexual compulsions.*
Someone who’s dating or married to someone with a sex addiction often feels overwhelmed by the frequency with which sex is requested and the lack of intimacy that may exist in the sexual experience, Carter says.
Partners of people with sex addiction often spend much time at the beginning of the relationship thinking that something is wrong with them if they can't keep up with their partner's sexual demands. Thinking that you can't sexually satisfy your partner can engender anxiety, low self-esteem, guilt, embarrassment, and many other feelings,” she says. You also may have anxiety around your partner's faithfulness or exposure to STDs, she says.
And it can be hard to maintain agreements in the relationship, such as being monogamous. Because of the compulsive behavior associated with sex addiction, it can be difficult for the partner suffering from it to be faithful. The desperation a person with sex addiction feels to use their drug of choice is no different from the desperation a person with heroin addiction feels. The urges are strong and hard to combat,” says Carter.
Keep in mind, not everyone who has a sex addiction problem will be unfaithful. Most people suffering from sex addiction really crave and want deep emotional connections with their partners, but they are also fearful of that intimacy. Many people addicted to porn never act out sexually outside of their pornography use (whether or not a couple considers porn infidelity is another question).
The best thing you can do if you live with someone who is struggling with sex addiction is to encourage them to get help—and seek counseling for yourself.
At Insideout Living, we can help you heal old emotional wounds and teach you how to accept and love yourself throught his betrayal so you can have healthy future relationships or continue your current while supporting yuor prtner through their recovery.
Betrayal Therapy Puts You In A Place Of Emotional Control & Clarity
Myths of the Journey:
#1: This wouldn’t have happened if I had been a better spouse.
For many partners, family and friends blame them for their spouses sexual acting out. Many partners get messages that they need to be gentler, more loving, submissive, and sexy. These excuses are a sign of others’ misunderstanding of sexual betrayal. It may be an attempt on the part of the addict to avoid owning the problem and accepting responsibility for getting well. You are not responsible for the addict’s choices. Your behavior as a partner is not what caused your spouse to betray you.
Surveys have indicated that many partners are survivors of sexual abuse. Sexual betrayal is a form of sexual abuse. The feelings of shame and consequences of abuse may keep the partner from accepting her true value. Knowing our true value can protect us from unnecessary self-blame.As the secrets of the past and present can be dealt with in a safe place, the partner can take a powerful healing journey.
Many partners start their journey with false beliefs that can prevent healing the hurts of sexual betrayal. Challenge the beliefs that lead to self-doubt and depression.
#2: We must not be right for each other. If we were meant to be together, nothing like this would have happened.
The devastation of betrayal can happen in any relationship. This myth implies that somehow, I must have picked the wrong partner. One of the ways partners have been traumatized is when they are told that they somehow attracted a sex addict (sometimes called the heat seeking missile theory). This sends the message that somehow the partner is culpable and must share the blame for being in a relationship with a sex addict. Nothing could be further from the truth. This jeopardizes the partners healing and the addict’s recovery process.
Most partners did not know about the sexually destructive behaviors prior to the marriage. Even if they did, it still wouldn’t make you responsible for the addict’s choices. In no way are you responsible for his choice to betray you. If he is to get well, he must accept responsibility for the way he chose to medicate himself. Virginia Satir once said “problems aren’t the problem, coping is the problem.” The addict has chosen to cope in a way that will harm himself and everyone in his family. The domino effects of betrayal are devastating.
Part of the healing journey will be making decisions about relationships. For now, please know that the addict’s choices are not your responsibility. The relational impact of those choices is overwhelming. There is hope, and I have seen so many relationships that seemed hopeless turn around and thrive. Yet this only happens when the addict is able to take responsibility and learn to cope in healthier ways. And it’s important for you to take this journey of healing so that your wounds can heal and you can find hope.
#3: Partners of people with sex addiction are inadequate if they can’t keep up with their partner’s sexual demands.
Partners often feel anxious, guilty, and embarrassed when they can’t meet their partner’s sexual demands. However, it’s essential to recognize that compulsive sexual behavior is not about the partner’s inadequacy. It’s a complex issue that requires understanding, empathy, and professional support.
Usually, when people come in for therapy, they are most concerned with the addictive behavior itself. But addiction is usually just the tip of the iceberg. Therapy gives clients a chance to drill down through that iceberg and understand the underlying issues at the heart of the sexual compulsions. More often than not, those drivers include childhood abuse, sexual trauma, lack of self-worth, and a fear of abandonment. But therapy can teach you how to reconcile the past, regulate the way you feel, and manage your impulses so that you no longer need a “flawed solution” for validating yourself.
We’ll begin our time together with a thorough assessment in order to tailor our therapeutic strategies to your situation. It allows us to look at how your behaviors play out in the real world, what happened in your life to create those patterns, and how they show up in terms of money, work, and relationships. We’ll also explore your core values and beliefs so that we can begin integrating them into how you want to live your life going forward.
At Insideout Living, we utilize a very relational, psychoeducational, and strength-based model for healing and rebuilding yourself. To help you build a strong foundation for recovery, and provide a task-centered approach to therapy that has a clear beginning, middle, and end.
Perhaps you are considering betrayal therapy but still have concerns...
Can sex addiction counseling help the partner/spouse of the addict?
Sexual addictions often have a deeper emotional impact than drug and alcohol dependency because of the strong relational link involved. Partners, spouses, children, and relationships in general can all suffer. So sex addiction therapy often requires a wraparound approach that encompasses all the loved ones who have been hurt. That’s why we also have specialists dedicated to counseling couples, families, and partners of sex addicts. Using our structured S.T.E.P. program, we can give each person a voice, restore the integrity of your relationship, and help you decide how to move forward.
Does group therapy for relationship betrayal work?
There is so much more potential for support and growth in group therapy compared to individual sessions. The sense of community and the chance to help others who are suffering just like you make it clear that you are not alone—and that you are not a monster! This is not about being good or bad; it’s about healing yourself. And the best way to heal relational wounds is through relationships, which is why group therapy for betrayal is so effective and highly recommended.
Have You Reached An Impasse In Therapy?
You may have already tried therapy but are frustrated because you haven’t made the progress you hoped for. The results of weekly therapy might be unfulfilling or maybe you wish you could move at a quicker pace.
If you’re looking for a unique therapeutic experience that goes beyond the surface and explores the root causes of your unwanted behavior, a 3- to 5-day intensive coaching program may be what you need. An intensive coaching program offers a unique and powerful solution for individuals, couples, groups, and families trying to break through the barriers preventing them from fully enjoying their lives.
Intensive Coaching Programs Offer An Opportunity To Make Big Changes Within A Short Amount Of Time
When you need to address more immediate concerns—whether it’s past trauma, infidelity in your relationship, a sex/porn addiction, or maybe you just feel stuck—you may need a more intensive therapy experience that goes beyond the surface and explores the underlying causes of your unwanted behavior or patterns.
How An Intensive Coaching Program Compares To Traditional Therapy
An intensive coaching program is both cost- and time-effective, allowing you to complete the equivalent of 6 to 12 months of therapy over a few days or weeks. Briefly stepping out of your routine allows you to deeply focus on the shifts you want to make. You will learn how to reconcile the past, experience internal stability, and develop healthier responses to what triggers your compulsive or addictive behavior.
The intensive coaching program experience can help improve the quality of your relationships, spiritual connection, and professional balance—you will leave with a plan to carry forward and maintain your growth.
Insideout Living Intensive Coaching Programs
No matter where you are on your recovery journey, our intensive coaching programs allow you a place to transition to a life of integrity in your recovery and improve those relationships that have been hurt by addiction and betrayal by developing the tools to maintain a peaceful life. If you need motivation toward deeper work, our Intensive Coaching Programs can help motivate you toward a higher level of care, giving you a gradual launch to inpatient treatment.
Our clinicians have extensive training and a great track record in successfully working in the areas of sex addiction, multiple addictions, and complex relational trauma. We also collaborate with the best psychiatrists, psychologists, acupuncturists, and other specialists to provide you with an integrative mind, body, and spirit approach to recovery. We will work with the entire family structure to create optimal healing for those primary relationships impacted by the trauma of living with addiction and co-occurring issues.
Intensive Coaching Program Jumpstart Long-Term Transformation
If you’re ready to make positive changes to your life, consider an intensive coaching program. For more information, please contact us today.
*https://www.researchgate.net/publication/303868602_A_Review_of_the_Research_in_Emotionally_Focused_Therapy_for_Couples
Let Us Help You Heal And Be Whole
If you would like to gain agency over compulsive actions and improve the way you feel about yourself, we can help. Please call 847 328 7588 ext 501 for your free, 10 to 15-minute consultation to assess your needs. Or if you are interested in an intensive, you can email us directly to set up an appointment.
*https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamanetworkopen/fullarticle/10.1001/jamanetworkopen.2018.4468
